My breakdown appears to be over, I can't take full credit as much as the fact that my doctor doubled my medication dose but either way it's uphill from here.

Life update time:

After further inspections I can confirm with much confidence I do have two boobs and the uniboob fear is over. A relief for many of you I'm sure.

My dissertation is no further along than it was two weeks ago and I have nobody to blame but myself at this stage. 

On the work front I am not much closer to finding my dream job, but I am freelancing a few times a week at Matches for the forseeable future which will cover my rent easily and also buy me more time to find the right next move for me, so that's a definite positive.

The people have been super lovely and friendly which is nice because a lot of the time people don't take any time to speak to freelancers as they know generally you're in and out the door alongside a bunch of others. It's nice to get more experience in luxury fashion as well, thickening out the portfolio and all that jazz.

Plus, it's in the Shard which means I can feel fancy AF heading into work and can lunch at Borough Market.

I bought some repulsive pink shoes on Black Friday. I would like to blame the meds and say I wasn't in my right mind but if we're being honest with ourselves I think they're kind of fun.

I discovered the most golden voice in all the world on Youtube and can't stop listening to her original songs.

And other than that I've been my usual over-emotional self getting drunk at midday watching five hours straight of gossip girl and crying when Chuck tells Blair he loves her because romance is all I need in my life.

I need to get a fucking grip.

(Warning: Multitude of throwback work photos about to hit you. Starting with one from Miss Selfridge.) 

Being funemployed isn't as chilled out as I thought it would be. I pictured myself drinking wine at lunch and wearing pearls for no apparent reason, but as it happens it's actually been more of a hectic dash around London most days for interviews on top of interviews. (Which to be honest is great, rather too many options than none!)

In this time I've been thinking a lot about what makes me happy at work. I'm not looking to take the first job offer thrown at me, I want to really consider what is going to make 2018 the best year for me. I've had a few jobs now and weighed up each one working out why some of them sucked balls and some were a lot of fun, and I have to admit I'm pretty sure I have worked out the ultimate secret to a happy job.

The manager. I've had some truly great ones (shout-out to Simon, Sarah and Theresa), and some that I am pretty sure crawled out from the gutters of hell itself. (Shoutout to you guys too! xx)

 Ex Manager, current inspiring friend.

I've only managed people myself a handful of times, but I learnt enough to know that a happy team is a productive one who will always go out of their way to pull their weight and pitch in when needed. Keeping moral high is really important as a manager, and taking care of your team should be your number one priority.

Lots of managers might be amazing at their jobs, super knowledgeable and really great and what they do, but that doesn't mean they're good at managing. If they always put people down, don't invest time into helping their team when needed, throw people under the bus, shift blame and responsibility and don't treat their team like people with actual feelings then your job is probably going to suck.

Jack Wills Christmas Party, what a mess.

My best managers (and favourite jobs) have been ones when the manager was kind, supportive, helped me grow and learn as much as I wanted and more, and inspired me in my role. Being a genuinely nice person just helps. Theresa used to pick me up a copy of Stylist Magazine on her way in because we both liked to flick through them and I couldn't always get it at my station. Sarah was permanently leaving cute and motivational messages at my desk for me to find and taking me out to coffee shops to write when we needed more inspiration. These are obviously examples of people being mega-babes and going above and beyond, but I would have probably cleaned shit off the floor if they had asked me to because I appreciated everything they did for me. 

I think taking time to get to know your team and their personalities and how they learn is key. So when I'm going to interviews now I'm basing a lot of my decisions on the person who interviewed me and if they are kind. It's not just me - I've looked at all my friends and whether they enjoy their jobs and how their relationship is with their manager and there is definitely a link.
Fresh out of uni at Blayze Group

I'm super excited for what lies ahead - when you're at work 5 days a week for 9 hours a day you want to be spending it with people who make you the best version of yourself and help you to love what you do. There's a lot of opportunity out there!

What's the best and worst manager you've ever had? 

This week was a roller-coaster of emotions. One minute I was contemplating drinking bleach whilst lying in bed with matted hair and suffering the worst panic attacks, the next I was a boss ass bitch who was excited about the new possibilities ahead of me whilst dancing around my bedroom to Amy Winehouse in my nicest underwear.  I would alternate between these two states every other day, it was pretty exhausting. (Both for myself and my poor friends.) 

So this weekend me and Steven hung out a lot and did the happiest of things - everything Christmas.

All you scrooges who are moaning it's not December yet.. there's no rules for Christmas and if I want to drink mulled wine and listen to Christmas carols in November I will. And I did. And it was great.

Here we are on the train, not talking to each other at all and being on our phones as all 20-something's like to do for company.

We walked from London Bridge to Southbank (unplanned, but Steven has no idea where he is going ever and we ended up in the wrong place) but it was actually so nice to just be out and walking and not feeling so wound up.

South Bank is actually one of my favourite places in London, I love the second hand book market to kill time and if it's freezing, there's a huge Foyles which I like to browse about in too. So we were walking along and I came across this poet and the whole concept was just so lovely and romantic that I gave him some money for a poem. He asked what I wanted it to be about and I told him I wanted it to be about finding happiness - something that's felt like a struggle for the last year but I'm optimistic for the future. He wrote me the loveliest poem and it honestly made my day. 

Supporting independent writers, poets and artists is so important to me but I love to do it because you know you will always get something thoughtful and beautiful at the end of it.

After that we got the obligatory overpriced mulled wine from one of the stalls (seriously, a cup is a fiver and you can get an entire bottle from Sains for £3... something we did on the way home).

 (Handsome bugger ain't he.) 

Then we came home and carried on with our festive vibes and put the tree up, because why not.
All in all I had a really lovely day and it pulled me out of my downward spiral and I can't wait for tomorrow because I have lots of exciting things planned and two interviews to prep for. (No word from the dildo people yet but keep your fingers crossed for me.)

A very wise woman once said the best thing about hitting an all-time low is you can only go up from there. (Okay, okay, the wise woman is the Mum from Bridesmaids.) But it's true. I hit a real shitty low this week, which is saying something because my entire life seems like one giant low. But today, I feel pretty good. 

As many of you know, I lost my job on Monday.
(Actual footage of me when they told me, below.)

 I really want to be able to write a post explaining everything but it's not the right time at all, hopefully eventually I'll be able to explain it to all of you. Dealing with anxiety and depression is hard enough in regular day-to-day life, so when you hit a stump in the road like this it can start such a  downward spiral, but I managed to pull myself out of it in the last minute because of a few amazing things.

1. Support. A wise man once said (fuck sake, okay, the wise man is P Diddy), that you should pay close attention to people who aren't clapping for you. I think it's applicable to times like this - pay close attention to who doesn't reach out. I've been flooded with messages, from everything to ex colleagues to old school friends to university friends to old managers. I have had love, and advice, and job opportunities pinging on my phone every hour for the last 3 days, and it feels literally amazing. A job is just a job, but I'm lucky to have the people in my life that I do.

2. I can take this experience and learn from it. I have a clearer idea now of where I want to be and the types of environment that work for me, and I can use this to help me find a great next role.

3. I've probably lost weight because I didn't eat for like 36 hours before today. So that's a bonus.

4. I've learnt so much about myself. I've learnt to trust myself - if I'm paranoid it's not because I'm crazy, I should trust my instincts because they were right. I've learnt that whatever happens you should always stick up for yourself and stick up for what is right. Don't sit back and watch injustices happen because you won't be able to sleep with yourself at night. I'd rather speak up and be shut down than say nothing, and because of this I have peace with myself. In the words of Elle Woods, Speak Up! 

5. It was a good thing, really. You can't keep dancing with the devil and ask why you're in hell.

Onto the social situation. I'm just trying to remove all toxicity from my life and focusing on positivity. I don't think Instagram was a healthy place to be - I was being followed by a bunch of people probably judging my life (or the life I made it look like I had), I had tiny girls in bikinis making me feel gross all the time and I had this weird pressure to post crap that was just a load of shit so that people would like it.

I started a new instagram, and I made it private. I'm gonna post whatever I want even if it looks shitty. It's basically a real reflection of what this blog is - totally real and not for anyone other than myself to look back on. I've made it private so I can just accept friends on there. 

For the first time in a while, I feel calm and relieved and (dare I say it), positive for the future.

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