A very wise woman once said the best thing about hitting an all-time low is you can only go up from there. (Okay, okay, the wise woman is the Mum from Bridesmaids.) But it's true. I hit a real shitty low this week, which is saying something because my entire life seems like one giant low. But today, I feel pretty good. 

As many of you know, I lost my job on Monday.
(Actual footage of me when they told me, below.)

 I really want to be able to write a post explaining everything but it's not the right time at all, hopefully eventually I'll be able to explain it to all of you. Dealing with anxiety and depression is hard enough in regular day-to-day life, so when you hit a stump in the road like this it can start such a  downward spiral, but I managed to pull myself out of it in the last minute because of a few amazing things.

1. Support. A wise man once said (fuck sake, okay, the wise man is P Diddy), that you should pay close attention to people who aren't clapping for you. I think it's applicable to times like this - pay close attention to who doesn't reach out. I've been flooded with messages, from everything to ex colleagues to old school friends to university friends to old managers. I have had love, and advice, and job opportunities pinging on my phone every hour for the last 3 days, and it feels literally amazing. A job is just a job, but I'm lucky to have the people in my life that I do.

2. I can take this experience and learn from it. I have a clearer idea now of where I want to be and the types of environment that work for me, and I can use this to help me find a great next role.

3. I've probably lost weight because I didn't eat for like 36 hours before today. So that's a bonus.

4. I've learnt so much about myself. I've learnt to trust myself - if I'm paranoid it's not because I'm crazy, I should trust my instincts because they were right. I've learnt that whatever happens you should always stick up for yourself and stick up for what is right. Don't sit back and watch injustices happen because you won't be able to sleep with yourself at night. I'd rather speak up and be shut down than say nothing, and because of this I have peace with myself. In the words of Elle Woods, Speak Up! 

5. It was a good thing, really. You can't keep dancing with the devil and ask why you're in hell.


Onto the social situation. I'm just trying to remove all toxicity from my life and focusing on positivity. I don't think Instagram was a healthy place to be - I was being followed by a bunch of people probably judging my life (or the life I made it look like I had), I had tiny girls in bikinis making me feel gross all the time and I had this weird pressure to post crap that was just a load of shit so that people would like it.

I started a new instagram, and I made it private. I'm gonna post whatever I want even if it looks shitty. It's basically a real reflection of what this blog is - totally real and not for anyone other than myself to look back on. I've made it private so I can just accept friends on there. 

For the first time in a while, I feel calm and relieved and (dare I say it), positive for the future.




I thought I'd share some weird moments of my week with you all. I know, I know, it's exactly what you've been hoping for. Well, here we go:

1.  This story about Charlotte Crosby getting a boob job because she has a 'uniboob deformity' which immediately resulted in me panicking that I secretly also have a uniboob deformity, spending most of my afternoon trying to check out my boobs under my top at work and looking up how much a boob job would set me back. (£5k min, for the record.)


(Big up my best friend in the world Amy, who all the way from Singapore was able to offer me words of wisdom. And yes, she has seen my boobs.)


2. I discovered a part of Youtube where there is a community of people who 'dumpster dive' and make haul videos on all the things they've found in bins. This makes my germ-phobia tingle in a bad way. But at the same time I started watching one in horror and three hours later I think I've watched all of them. *SPOILER: All they find is shit*

3. I've cried (several times) in front of (several different) people at work this week, which yes, is just as horrifying and shameful as you would imagine it to be. In fact, I've replayed it several times in my head every second of every day since and every time I am filled with more embarrassment. It's boring but it's part of my life.



4. I bought some velvet flared dungarees. They sound repugnant but make me feel like Christmas, and Steven doesn't actively hate them and try to put them in the bin when I'm not looking like most of my clothes, so that's a great sign.

5.  I watched all of Stanger Things, cried a little too much in the last episode and decided that yes, I do indeed fancy Steve, and yes, even with the mullet.






I read an article yesterday that said 26 is the age where people have quarter life crisis. Mine appears to have arrived early.

It is 5.20am. I have been wide awake since 4am. Every time I shut my eyes I start to panic, and my head starts spinning and I can't explain what I can hear but it's like my head is too loud for me to sleep. I've tried counting sheep but they're all dumb AF and keep knocking into the fence. (I can't even count sheep right.) To say I'm stressed right now would be an understatement. My stress level is somewhere between the mum in Parent Trap after finding out she has to meet Nick Parker and Winona Ryder in every scene of Stranger Things. So after an hour of internal screaming I decided to write, because it is the only thing that calms me down.

I hate running. I hate running for the bus. I hate running for sport. I hate treadmills. I literally hate everything about it. My best friend is a long-distance runner and tells me that there's a wall you hit and once you run past it you reach this euphoric state and can just keep going for ages. I've never reached that state, I just hit the wall and want to die and feel stressed about how much I am sweating. (A lot, FYI.)  

I'm more of an emotional runner. When I start to stress, or panic, or hit an all-time low I remove myself from situations. It could be putting headphones in, or it could be moving a hundred miles away to Scotland, or as of twenty minutes ago it could be deleting my social media in an attempt to shut everything out because it's 5 in the morning and everything is too loud for me to cope with.

So you guys will have to come here to see what I'm up to for a little while because right now I need to dull all the noise in my head and just focus on myself and what I want and where I want to be, because it isn't where I am right now. I'm hoping this is my wall, and that I'm going to come out on the other side in a euphoric state where I suddenly realise what the right thing for me to do is.

Stay tuned - I am approximately one week away from shaving my head and booking myself into rehab . Blogging Breakdowns since 2012. To be continued.


 

This is not going to be a funny blog post. I had a great one lined up, don't get me wrong. It was the first of a fresh start for this blog, so it involved some banter and all those good things, but as it happens *someone* wouldn't let me publish it. (He's pissed off I said I'd put a dog before him but I really love dogs so IDGAF.) So it's 10pm and I'm back to square one, trying to think of something funny that happened today to share with you all.

Thing is, it's kind of difficult because today wasn't all that funny. Today I woke up feeling pretty shit actually. And then I spent an hour stood outside because all my trains were cancelled and then the Lord of Injustice teased me my bringing a train into my station (finally) and when we all got sat down and started to warm up they told us to get the fuck off it again because it was 'out of service'. Long story short, I was pretty late for work and my face was numb from the cold. *tiny violins play*

I was in a bad mood before all this though. Sometimes I wake up and just feel super empty and unfulfilled. I feel like I'm constantly chasing something more, but I don't know what it is. It makes me feel like sometimes people spend their lives chasing happiness but can't find it because they don't know what they're looking for.  And sometimes I think that whatever I do and wherever I go, I might feel just as empty, so  it's worth not gambling that there's better out there when everything is pretty fine as it is  if we're being honest. (Does this make sense? Am I rambling?)

 
(Great film.)


Someone the other day told me he was afraid of dying, and it confused me because it was such an unrelatable fear. For me, living is the most terrifying thing. Especially when you’re waking up every morning wondering, 'is this is all there is?'

Does anyone else ever feel like this or know where I’m coming from? Let me know. 

(Also sorry for lack of humour and being a miserable bitch but I'm a real person and sometimes I feel a lil crappy. If you want something funny you can look at this. Also this is my blog so I can do what I want I am queen here.)
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