Anxiety, Depression, bullying, abusive boyfriends & more. How to deal.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

I thought for a while before writing this post. It is a series of extremely personal and painful events which I have gone through in my life, but similarly to Zoella and many other bloggers who have written similar posts, I want to be able to help anyone who may have gone through any of the following situations.
I'm sorry if this is long winded, and I know it's not the usual post so apologies if you aren't interested at all!
To know this helps even one person with a situation will make it worth it though. I also suggest you all watch this video by SprinkleofGlitter which was another inspiration for me.

Part One of my life - The worst times.


PMDD - I grew up for ten years with a sufferer of PMDD. It is an extermely rare mental disorder, called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. It is rarely discovered which is why it went a decade without my mother being diagnosed. This meant that I grew up in a scary environment, my mother was unpredictable, abusive and did not want any relationship with me. It began when I was 6 or 7 and continued until I was about 17. I urge anyone who has extreme mood swings and difficulty with social relationships who has not been diagnosed with bipolar or schizophrenia to look at the symptoms of PMDD, as it is so often overlooked by doctors. For some reason I was the target of all my mothers abuse, and my younger sister received nothing. As a very young child, this meant that I saw the situation as very black and white : Mother and sister = team 1. Me and my dad = team 2. This has had prolonged effects on me, I have no relationship with my sister at all now, we grew up under the same house and have never had a conversation before. A lot of people from close knit families may think this is sad, but for me it is normal and I don't feel I am missing out because I have no other situation to compare it to. After a series of terrifying events where my mother got worse and worse and unforgettable situations arose, she was finally diagnosed and has been getting better ever since.
The silver lining of this situation for me - I have an extremely strong relationship with my father now. He was my hero growing up, he would rush home from work to protect me, make time to play with me, and take the brunt of my mothers moods as she fell out with him for spending time with me. He tried to give me the childhood nobody else was giving me. A lot of men may have run, but he stayed with the woman he loved, determined to make her better and to have a family and for that I will always love and respect him.
My advice for anyone in a similar situation - Learn to forgive. My childhood has caused me many later problems, all stemming because I can't bring myself to forgive my mother. I am terrified one day she won't be here and I still won't have forgiven her. It is a horrible situation to be in - get them help, understand it was not their fault. It is an uncontrollable mental illness. Forgive them.


Abusive Relationships- When I was 16 I got my first real boyfriend. For the sake of this blog, lets just call him BadBoyfriend. I had no other boyfriend to compare him with, and thought a lot of his behaviour was right, and justified. At times he was very caring, charming and lovely to me, treating me like a princess. At others,  he was extremely possessive and controlling, about who I spoke to, what I wore, where I went and what I did. The slightest thing would set him off. He would belittle me, call me things like 'whore', and I won't say get violent, but I will definitely say physical. I have no doubts if I had stayed longer it would have become violent. He was shout me down and intimidate me until I was a nervous wreck, crying and promising to do whatever he wanted. To get very personal now - if I was too tired, he didn't care. I endured it for 9 months and the realisation point for me was after I said I didn't want to go to the same uni as him, and he screamed at me for the 4 hour journey home from an opening day, calling me every name under the sun, driving dangerously to scare me, slamming the car wheel. I was terrified. I cried silently while he told me 'bitch, dont cry, you're a fucking slut.' I was too scared to go home with him, and realised this had to end. It took me 4 attempts to break up with him. Each time he manipulated me in different ways, one time pulling a knife out and waving it around. Whether it was intended for me or himself I'm not sure. Another time he rammed his head into a wall repeatedly until I said I changed my mind. One time he refused, locking me in his car and when he unlocked it and I tried to run away, he chased after me, picking me up so I couldn't run anymore. The final time I managed I was at a friends house and she convinced me. He drove to hers and was banging on her family home's door for 40 minutes, screaming at me while we hid in her closet. It was the best decision I ever made.
Silver Lining - I don't take any shit from men anymore. It gave me backbone. I know what I want from a man and what I definitely don't. I see the signs of abusive traits quicker than quick now. I also know the details to filing a restraining order, as I was planning on doing when he kept contacting me constantly after 3 years of being broken up. He was just a sad, lonely, angry little boy.
My Advice - GET OUT NOW. Tell your friend to get out now. Too scared? Break up with him when someone else is there. Stay at a friends for a week after. Tell the police. Whatever it takes. Break up with him. Be safe. And watch out for the signs for next time!

Bullying - When I was at college at the age of 17/18 I was bullied. I always think of bullying as kids in a playground, pushing each other. There's no other way to describe this situation. I think she may have psychosis, as do many other people I have spoken to . I have never met someone so detatched from reality and emotions. We shall call her Bully. So I had known Bully for my whole school life. She had a reputation for being horrible, cruel, and picking new victims every now and again. Once she wrote an online burn book about everyone in our school and published it online, including herself so nobody would find out. Of course we all did eventually. When I moved to college, she noticed me, and it was my turn.
She began spreading rumours. I had slept with her boyfriend. (Who I barely even knew or spoke to.) I had threatened her. The list is endless.People stopped speaking to me. It was my word against hers. She keyed my car, and text everyone about it laughing. She manipulated every situation, leaving comments on friends walls on Facebook about me so I thought they were all against me. 'Hahaha, remember you were talking about Caz and said she was such a slut last week? She should close her legs!" was one I remember. I knew my friend had never said that, but at the time I became a paranoid mess. I had only ever been with BadBoyfriend, I couldn't understand why all this was starting or why she was picking on me. I got phone calls, threats that I would be beaten if I was ever seen in town. I stayed home all the time, in the library the entire time I was at college. I avoided everyone and shut myself off. Nobody was ever there to help me or stand up for me. My group of friends kept quietly uninvolved.
Silver Lining - I have a great life now and judging from what I've heard, she's exactly the same. No job, no qualifications, living off her rich boyfriend and his money.
My advice - Tell someone. I know you're not supposed to do this, but tell someone. Stand up to them. So many times I wanted to punch her in the face, and didn't because I was scared of the repercussions. At one point., one of my wilder friends said she was going to paint an extremely rude word on Bully's white Mini. I stopped her, knowing it would be me who felt the brunt of it.I knew so many secrets about this girl and never told anyone any of them for fear of stooping to her level, I'm glad I never did. But I wish I had confronted her, and told someone, anyone, of the situation going on so I had more support.

Part 2 of my life - Running away to Scotland.

As you can imagine, I fled my hometown quicker than a bullet. I was eager to get away, to start fresh. It took some more difficulties though.

Depression - During my first year of uni I began to feel the symptoms of depression more than before. As a child I had suppressed them. Nobody could have emotions at home except my mother. I was to stay quiet and not react to anything. Now I was out of the environment, my emotions started to spiral. I was drinking constantly. Not a casual drink, I was so drunk I couldn't walk most of the time, and got a reputation for being a party girl. I got another boyfriend, who felt the brunt of my wildness. I suddenly didn't want to go out any more. I would lock myself in my room in the dark for days on end, not wanting to shower, eat or come out to speak to anyone. I cried all day. I hurt myself. One day my friend dragged me out of my cave for a run and I ended up collapsing, crying on the floor. I didn't know why though, I was just sad. My friend made me promise to go to the doctors, and I did. Moving me onto the next part of my story.


Prozac. - I was prescribed Prozac, an anti depressant. It took a while to kick in. My first bad encounter was when I went out drinking. I didn't know you weren't meant to drink whilst on prozac. I kissed someone else and called my boyfriend straight away, begging for forgiveness. I am extremely anti-cheating. This was the first sign of what prozac was doing to me. Over the next few weeks, I felt nothing. I became a robot. I was no longer sad, but I was no longer happy, excited, nervous, eager, or anything else. I was just living. I became extremely unpredictable, doing terrible things I never thought I would do. I didn't care who I hurt, or what I did. I did something involving photographs which will probably follow me forever. It was when my boyfriend finally broke up with me I realised I hadn't been acting myself at all. I looked it up and saw some people suffered personality changes under the influence of prozac. After the summer, I went back to the doctor and said I didn't want to take it any more. I felt like it was a fresh start, and forced myself to exercise, be social, and enjoy where I am instead of dwelling on the past. I fought through and have been happy ever since.
Silver lining - The above!
Advice - Don't take prozac unless you absolutely need to. Try other drugs first, counselling before that. get exercising - a healthy mind stems from a healthy body. Don't drink alcohol. The change in your attitude comes from you, not from the drugs. They are just an aid.



Anxiety Disorder - I was recently diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I had my first panic attack aged 17 when I was going to a party Badboyfriend was going to be at. I was hyperventilating and shaking. I thought it was just fear, looking back it was a panic attack. It has gotten worse in recent months, specifically it is Social Anxiety Disorder, I think. I constantly believe people are judging me, talking behind my back, secretly hate me. I deleted all my social networks in an attempt to block myself out. I was writing status' and getting scared people would judge me for them. I get panic attacks thinking about the things I did whilst on Prozac, thinking that people who don't know the circumstances will judge me for how I acted then.
Most of all, home makes me panic. The thought of going back home makes me feel sick. I ran away, for good reason. When I am home, I rarely leave the house. I can't go into town for fear of running into someone who knew me at school. It's totally irrational, nothing would happen if I did run into someone from school. But I'm too scared about it anyway. I've changed so so much, I'm scared people still judge me for who I was when I was 14. I also panic at smaller, weirder irrational things on certain occasions, and have sleep problems when my mind begins cycling impossible situations which I convince myself are real and going to happen. I refuse to go on medication after last time, but I am exercising, meditating and detatching myself from triggers such as Facebook.
Silver Lining - No longer depressed! This is just my next battle :)
Advice - I'm still working this one out myself, so talk to a doctor and watch zoella's video post on it too.:)




This Chapter of my Story - The Happy Ending!


I am finally at a place where for the most part, I feel very stable and happy. I have a extremely strong supportive group of friends up here, and an amazing boyfriend who has taught me what love really is.

I am getting on with my mother a bit better, although we still have a very limited and weird relationship, and I only see her twice a year when I go home for a week maybe at a time. I feel as though I'm leaving all of my issues behind me slowly, and growing into the next phase of my life. I spend more time getting excited about the future than dwelling on the past for the first time in my life.

If someone is bringing too much negativity into my life, I'm sure to keep a fair distance. I have surrounded myself with amazing, positive people and am thankful for everything I have learnt. These experiences have made me who I am today, and not to blow my own horn, but I think I am stronger for it, and also more understanding and kinder.

I hope you weren't all too bored by this post, and if you ever need advice or help, I will do my best and you can contact me at caroline.robertson1207@gmail.com.

I hope you all have a lovely, sparkly day :)

7 comments on "Anxiety, Depression, bullying, abusive boyfriends & more. How to deal."
  1. You have no idea how much I respect you. After everything you've been through you deserve to be happy more than anyone and although I don't know you personally I'm glad to hear you've found amazing friends and a lovely boyfriend. Reading this almost made me shed a tear, I'm suffering from depression and a personality disorder myself and should't dwell on the past anymore but it's quite hard and you should be so proud of yourself for heading in the right direction. Wish you all the best hun, you've done amazing so far! xxxxx

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    1. Thankyou!! I hope you can get through it all, and never feel alone in things like this!
      xxx

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  2. i really admire you for writing this post. it must have been hard for you to write it all out and share it with us but i'm sure that this will help many people who are going through similar things that you've wrote about. I'm really glad you're happy now and hope that the future only brings more happiness to you :) x

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    1. Thankyou!! I've had a few girls private email me and it means so much to me that my words have been able to somehow inspire or help people going through similar situations :) xxx

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  3. I have had similar issues with an anxiety disorder which was making me kinda depressed too. After having 'counselling' it didn't entirely work but then I just thought right I'm going to go out and do more and get over it and now I'm starting to be ok. But I know how hard anxiety is, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy tbh... I'm so glad you've found a nice boyfriend and everything :) I'm younger than you and soon heading to uni but I'm kind of in the opposite position. I'm extremely anxious about uni and want to stay at home haha xxxx

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    1. With situations like uni I find the thought and worry process before it is usually worse than the actual thing! Once you get there hopefully your emotions and panic radars will calm down and you will be able to enjoy it!
      I hope you get on okay with it all either way, whatever you decide is best for you! xxx

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  4. you're so brave for writing all of this, makes me feel terrible to hear about all the bad things which have happened to you. but then i'm happy everything is going the way you deserve now :) stay strong lovely xx

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