The Callie Kazumi Guide to being a Lady.

Thursday, 24 April 2014
After reading the Goldman Sachs Guide to Being a Man, I decided to write an equivalent for women. I would like to make very clear now that I don't do all of these things. In fact I don't do half. I'm no lady and I don't pretend to be. But these are the things I would consider a ladylike woman of grace to do.
- Drink a glass of red wine with meals.
- Invest in one expensive handbag, and one expensive pair of court heels. The rest will fall into place.
- Cheats you once, shame on him, cheats you twice, shame on you.
- Find that perfect red lipstick.
- No bodycon mini-dresses. We aren't 18 anymore.
- Never wear ripped denim shorts, unless you're at the beach.
- Own one cat, not five.
- Own as many dogs as you can muster. (But not handbag dogs.)
- If they're too high to drive in, they're too high to go out in.
- Always carry around a pound for the shopping trolley.
- Donate to charity.
- Don't swear.
- Don't rely on a man for money.
- Don't write on social media about other people.
- Don't write anything remotely attention seeking on social media.
- Don't drink alcopops.
- Don't down drinks.
- Never date an ex of your friend.
- Never date an ex of your own.
- Have enough cooking skills to be able to cook at least one meal for your man.
- Never eat BBQ ribs on a first date.
- Never scream and jump when you see a girlfriend out in a club.
- Go to the gym.
- Don't be jealous.
-  Be creative.
- Be hilarious.
- Keep your tits in.
- Your nipples should only be out in the shower or bedroom.
- It's the 21st century, embrace dating websites.
- Only be friends with people who don't bring you down.
- Don't be afraid to cast out the negative people in your life.
- If you fall in love with two men go for the second, you wouldn't had fallen for them had you really loved the first.
- Don't say 'totes' 'amaze' or any other abbreviation.
- Dont type lyk diz x
- Find 'your scent'. 
- Hugs not drugs.
- And NEVER wear Uggs.
- Invest in a tailored ladysuit.
- Invest in a hot car.
- If you buy jewellery as a gift, get it engraved.
- Never wear hoop earrings.
- Always carry a spare tampon in your bag to aid someone in their time of need.
- NEVER pee on the floor, no matter how drunk.
- Never poo in public places. Ever. 
- If a friend is being sick, always give up your hairband for the sake of her hair.
- Smokers are jokers. 
- If people say 'I've never heard that before, that's an interesting name', don't name your baby it.
- Don't have a baby until you have a career to support it.
- Invest in Chanel makeup, it's worth it.
- Graphic tees are for sleeping in.
- Always dress weather appropriate.
- Learn another language.
- Wear matching underwear.
- Sometimes when you are driving, giving the finger to another driver is appropriate.
-Treat others how you want to be treated.
- Never invite yourself anywhere.
- If you're embarrassed, laugh it off.
- Take care of your eyebrows.
- Have an email containing your first and last name. Not
- Relish in watching Tangled and Frozen.
- Eat your greens.
- Lift weights.
- Always use contraception.
- If you aren't willing to say it to their face, don't say it behind their back.
- Read books, not magazines.
- Always have your nails and toenails done.
- Have ideas.
- Always be fabulous.
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