Firstly I apologise for my lack of recent blog posts. I started a new job this month and am in the process of relocating and as you can imagine, everything has been a bit hectic. That said, Hannah Buchan messaged me asking if I had written about the VMAs yet and it seemed the perfect opportunity to kick myself back into writing-gear and to wrongfully judge others outfits at the same time. So thanks Hannah. (Read her blog here, it's hilarious.)
The Kardashian Sisters.
Let's go from left to right here. Kendall. Usually the most beautiful (imo) of all the Kardashians, but here she looks a bit like a man in drag. Her hair is too slick, the top is unflattering, the trousers swamp her Kardashian curves. And standing next to her way shorter sisters doesn't help.
Kylie looks beautiful. I think we all need to take a deep breath and remember that she is only 17 years old. Definition jailbait.
Kim is usually absolutely striking but today she looks like Kuzko. If you don't know who Kuzko is (and you all should), click here. Kylie, you win.
Miley Cyrus covered up for once, which is great! Not a massive fan of the shape of the trousers, but the shoes are spot on. You can't see nipple, bum cheek, camel toe or her pubic hair follicles, so all-in-all, a vast improvement from her usual attire. Well done, Miley. You stay classy now.
Wiz Khalifa & Amber Rose
I'm not even sure how to approach Amber Rose's outfit. Maybe it's a political statement, maybe she just forgot to put the underdress on. Either way, I'm mildly horrified. Not one part of this outfit - from the brassier to the diamante's - can pass for even remotely classy.Wiz on the other hand looks dope as hell. Can't get enough of the graphic tee/shirt hybrid and the shoes pull the casual-vibe up a notch. Big fan.
Katy Perry & Riff Raff
I'm sure everyone has seen the Britney Spears & Justin Timberlake comparison of Katy Perry and Riff Raffs outfits by now. If you haven't, click here. I don't know if this was a purpose impersonation or a horrific error of judgement, but regardless of the Versace label, this wholes scenario is an absolute catastrophe for my eyes. It literally looks like a bucket of denim factory rejects spat them out and then they got washed through a vajazzle machine. No words.
Solange looks fierce. She is giving her sister a run for her money here for sure. The box cut of the suit is fabulous, paired with the skinnies stops her being drowned out. The heels feminize it, the hair makes it catwalk-worthy, and the natural makeup stops it all being a bit too much. Winner.
Adrianna is absolutely stunning. But she looks like a Khaleesi about to ride her dragons into warfare in Game Of Thrones. Except a Khaleesi would never wear a Moschino logo belt.
Rita Ora is absolutely breathtaking. A modern-day-Marilyn. The super-high slit is enough to make me a little bit hot under the collar but the dress itself as a whole is classy enough to not come across as trashy. The necklace pulls it all together. A+, Rita.
Chris Brown. The bomber looks cheap, the necklace looks tacky. Is that a shirt around his waist? Or a tea towel for wiping up the blood of his enemies after he beats them up outside the afterparty? I'm not sure. Either way I don't like it.
I so, so, SO almost love this outfit to pieces. The let down factor? The way the leotard sits makes it look like she has a saggy fanny. Pardon the french.
Being single is a new revelation for me, and I signed up to Tinder a while ago. I lasted about 48 hours before deleting it and deciding to never use any other technological dating tool ever again. It was bloody terrible from start to finish.
So it got me thinking about if it was socially acceptable, what are the first questions you should ask someone when determining whether or not you want to go for a drink with them? The 100%, dirty, honest truth. So here we go:
Do you have a criminal conviction? An important one. As it happens I actually ended up chatting to someone who had done some time, although this didn't come to light until I spied the mugshot on his Facebook. There is a difference between a drunk & disorderly (we've all been there, no?) and several GBH charges. Ween out the gentlemen from the lads in one swift question.
What is currently in your wallet? Money is not something to base a relationship on, but if all that is in there is a video rental card, some gum and a nude photo, you should maybe re-evaluate the situation. If he carries a condom around, at least you know he is safe, albeit a bit frisky and presumptuous. If he carries around hunner dollar bills, bonus points. Either way, the wallet should never be velcro.
What is the most romantic thing you have done? You can work out if it matches your expectations. Closing down an entire cinema and surprising a girlfriend of 2 weeks with a flash mob and 100 red roses would be a warning sign. Equally, saying "I picked her car up from the garage when she asked me to once" would also be a warning sign.
Do you have any children? This one speaks for itself.
What did you spend last Christmas doing? This sounds weird, but hear me out. If he spent it with his family like 90% of the population, the likelihood of him being weird or a crackhead lowers significantly. If he spent it with his topless roommate smoking a bong and watching Cartoon Network, you're on to a bad time.
If you died right now, what is the one thing you would never want people to find in your room? The ultimate in weirdo-catching questions. If it's a collection of Asian Fanny Fun magazines under the bed, he's probably not actually that weird. If it's a secret journal with photo collages and poems about his ex girlfriend, things are getting weird. If it's a box-set of murder documentaries covered in semen, he's probably not a keeper.
So there it is. Six crucial questions to ween the weird from the wonderful. Make sure you ask them all straight away as soon as you meet someone and if they answer them all correctly reward them with your hand in marriage.
I hope people realise this is a joke or I've just lost myself 300 followers.
For a while now I've been looking for a perfect matte nude that isn't too pink to replicate the infamous Kylie Jenner look. (Let's all take a minute to let the fact that she is only 16 years old and better looking than most of us put together sink in.)
I went into MAC with the intention of finding Kinda Sexy, but they were out of stock, so after looking like a diseased creature from swatching my entire left hand I decided on Mehr, which I hadn't heard of before but is in the Matte range. Below is it swatched without any liner which gives it a really nice natural 'no makeup' feel.
I think that the secret behind Kylie's look and the reason she's come under fire for having lip injections is because she structures her lips to make them look fuller by using a darker liner. I'm lucky in that my lips are relatively full anyway so I don't need to overdraw, but using a liner definitely makes a big difference.
Below is Mehr lined with Max Factor liner in #10 Ruby. I do feel this is quite a close match to Kylies lips colour-wise, and am quite glad Kinda Sexy was out of stock because otherwise I wouldn't have found Mehr. Silver linings!
Full-time writer and blogger. I write about fashion and occasionally scathing accounts retelling instances where people have wronged me. I am a strong believer, proud advocator and solemn enforcer of the Wine Wednesday movement.