Being single is a new revelation for me, and I signed up to Tinder a while ago. I lasted about 48 hours before deleting it and deciding to never use any other technological dating tool ever again. It was bloody terrible from start to finish.
So it got me thinking about if it was socially acceptable, what are the first questions you should ask someone when determining whether or not you want to go for a drink with them? The 100%, dirty, honest truth. So here we go:
Do you have a criminal conviction? An important one. As it happens I actually ended up chatting to someone who had done some time, although this didn't come to light until I spied the mugshot on his Facebook. There is a difference between a drunk & disorderly (we've all been there, no?) and several GBH charges. Ween out the gentlemen from the lads in one swift question.
What is currently in your wallet? Money is not something to base a relationship on, but if all that is in there is a video rental card, some gum and a nude photo, you should maybe re-evaluate the situation. If he carries a condom around, at least you know he is safe, albeit a bit frisky and presumptuous. If he carries around hunner dollar bills, bonus points. Either way, the wallet should never be velcro.
What is the most romantic thing you have done? You can work out if it matches your expectations. Closing down an entire cinema and surprising a girlfriend of 2 weeks with a flash mob and 100 red roses would be a warning sign. Equally, saying "I picked her car up from the garage when she asked me to once" would also be a warning sign.
Do you have any children? This one speaks for itself.
What did you spend last Christmas doing? This sounds weird, but hear me out. If he spent it with his family like 90% of the population, the likelihood of him being weird or a crackhead lowers significantly. If he spent it with his topless roommate smoking a bong and watching Cartoon Network, you're on to a bad time.
If you died right now, what is the one thing you would never want people to find in your room? The ultimate in weirdo-catching questions. If it's a collection of Asian Fanny Fun magazines under the bed, he's probably not actually that weird. If it's a secret journal with photo collages and poems about his ex girlfriend, things are getting weird. If it's a box-set of murder documentaries covered in semen, he's probably not a keeper.
So there it is. Six crucial questions to ween the weird from the wonderful. Make sure you ask them all straight away as soon as you meet someone and if they answer them all correctly reward them with your hand in marriage.
I hope people realise this is a joke or I've just lost myself 300 followers.
Full-time writer and blogger. I write about fashion and occasionally scathing accounts retelling instances where people have wronged me. I am a strong believer, proud advocator and solemn enforcer of the Wine Wednesday movement.