Monday, 18 May 2015

The Trials and Tribulations of Seeming Like a Bitch.

I have always found making close friends a very slow process, and never thought much of it. I just put it down to my short attention span for people who cancel plans a lot. (AKA: 90% of the population.) It wasn't until I met my boyfriends family this weekend that I realised the problem goes much deeper than that. Some may call it being socially awkward, I am calling it 'Seeming Like a Bitch Syndrome.' (SLAB). A close relative to 'Chronic Bitch Face Syndrome.' (See here for more details.) The combination of these two syndrome is fatal for ones social life. 

SYMPTOMS OF 'SEEMING LIKE A BITCH SYNDROME':

Extreme difficulty in feigning laughter when you don't genuinely find something funny.

Moderate difficulty in finding something funny if you don't know the person very well.

Not being a 'touchy feely kinda gal.' AKA: Opting (every time) for a curt and polite nod rather than a hug and the (God-forbid) dreaded double cheek kiss.

Experiencing long periods of extended silence in which you genuinely can't think of what to talk to a person about because you aren't sure what is appropriate.
 
Severe difficulty feigning an interest in anything that really doesn't interest you. (AKA. babies.) 

Extreme difficult carrying out 'small talk', probably due to the above point. 

Showing more interest and enthusiasm for things such as dogs and food over other people.

Enjoying your own company and a night in with pizza and Netflix over going out clubbing and drinking every weekend. 

(me)


CAUSES OF 'SEEMING LIKE A BITCH SYNDROME':
The primary factor which causes SLAB Syndrome (in my personal experience) is as follows:

My sense of humour is
a) Extremely dry and sarcastic and
b) usually involves things that are highly inappropriate or too politically incorrect to say in front of people I do not know very well, for fear of leaving a lasting bad impression.

These two factors of my personality means that I end up trying to put on another persona (a polite and politically correct one) around people I do not know very well. This in turn leaves me with the symptom:

Experiencing long periods of extended silence in which you genuinely can't think of what to talk to a person about because you aren't sure what is appropriate.

Once I have become aware that I am showing signs of the above symptom, it all goes downhill from there. I close up even more and become extremely conscious of what everyone else is probably thinking of me.

(me again)

OUTCOME OF 'SEEMING LIKE A BITCH SYNDROME':

Combine the above scenario with an unfortunate case of Chronic Bitch Face Syndrome and you have yourself the very real embodiment of someone who seems like a complete and total bitch. "Who was that moody girl with a face like a slapped arse standing in the corner not speaking or joining in the convo?"  Yep, that would be me, thanks.


TREATMENT OF 'SEEMING LIKE A BITCH SYNDROME':

I wish I was bubbly, I wish I could meet people and hug and laugh like old friends after 5 minutes with them. But the thing is, I can't. I'm dry and cynical and honestly probably won't find you funny unless you're making a joke about something completely politically incorrect, or are fantastically witty with excellent and extravagant vocabulary use.

I may be monotonous and come across like I don't care, but I assure you I do. 
I am a nice person. Really, I am. I may not be warm and welcoming, bubbly or invitingly friendly. But I always mean well. It just takes about 6 months for me to open up enough for you to see that. By which time you've probably decided I'm a huge boring frigid wench who you don't want to speak to. Sorry about that.
Bottom line is: It's okay to be slightly emotionally detached - we are the Kourtney Kardashians of the world and that's okay. We can't all be Kim or Khloes. (Thanks Sarah for helping me realise this.) 
 (Kourtney and I are one.)
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