Monday, 10 August 2015

A Mish Mash of Terrible Date Stories


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It's 2015, and getting a date is harder than ever. The days of approaching people in a bar or - God forbid - on the streets is a thing of times gone past. It's all about Tinder now. Or Happn. Or Facebook. Or whatever new app there is that I haven't heard of yet. (If you want to check out my post on online dating tips for checking if someone's a psychopath or not click here.) 

So once you've managed to secure yourself a date, the event itself needs to impress. I got talking to some of my gal-pals to dig into some of their less-than-impressive experiences with men. They had some gold-dust.

……….
I went on a first date and the guy told me he didn't know if he liked me enough to pay for my dinner.

He took me to a Spoons on our first date. He made me pay for my own meal. He suggested drinks after, and I agreed to give him a chance to redeem himself. He took me to another Spoons. It was like a fucking tour of the Wetherspoons in the area.

He asked me my opinion on 'white girls dating men of colour' with a disapproving look.

He told me he 'loved me like he loved his Mum and his car.' He drove a baby blue Seat Ibiza.

I went home with a guy and the next day everyone was saying we slept together. I found him and started shouting at him for telling his friends lies. He looked at me and said 'but..we did?' Turns out we had, and I was so hammered I'd forgotten.

On our anniversary my ex told me he wanted to stay in because he had pasta sauce he needed to use in the fridge.

I got super drunk and took a hit from a bong. My date had to leave his friends birthday to carry me away while I screamed and cried that I had been spiked because I was so wasted. Nobody had spiked me. I'd only met this guy twice before.

I took a guy home after a night out at uni and did some hanky panky. I went to get a drink, forgot he was in my room or even who he was, came back and was like 'who the fuck are you?! Get out of my room!'

A guy invited me back to his after a night out. When we got there, he put me in the spare room. 

A guy asked me back to his for a drink after our first date. Turns out, by 'his' he means his everything-in-one-room-bedsit that he still shared with his ex girlfriend, who (surprise, surprise) was there when we arrived.

I ordered a big pizza when we were out for dinner and he said, 'maybe you shouldn't eat all of that. There's so much fat in it and you know.. you could do without.' 

He made me pay for my own hot chocolate. And then he pointed out that he thought I was drinking it really quickly on purpose so I could leave. 

I had been seeing this guy for about a week and after he came over for a bit of sexytime I accidentally let slip, 'don't get under the covers or you'll NEVER leave!'

On our first date he said to me 'I'll buy you a bottle of wine if you suck my cock later.'

I nipped to the bathroom on a first date and while I was gone he drew me on a napkin and slipped it in my bag with a note that said 'I want you to be in my cartoon.'

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