A 2016 Resolution Realisation - I Am Miserable

Sunday, 10 January 2016
 This will be a different post to usual - it's a personal reflection and a bit more deep/personal than my usual posts, so just a heads up on that!
Towards the end of 2015 all I could think about was getting a new job. It entirely consumed me. I loved everyone I worked with, and I enjoyed seeing my work come together, but there were a ton of things about the company that wasn't for me, I felt very unstable and so just before Christmas I started a new job. And it really made me realise something. 

I started my new job and started obsessing about leaving London. I spent 90% of my time fantasising about quitting, working on an island in a gift shop part-time and living in some hut and not having to deal with the stresses of an office, and of work. Then one morning I had a sudden realisation of a pattern that I've followed my whole life.

I hated living at home, so I went to university in Scotland - as far away as possible. I hated Scotland and it's small-town-mentalities where I was living and upped and moved back down to London. I hated London and resented paying the extortionate rents, and moved back out to the suburbs to live with my family. I hated the commute and boredom, and moved back into London. And now I'm dreaming about going abroad.

I've changed jobs 3 times in 2 years. (Both times entirely justified, once out of recruitment to get into writing and once to get out of a company that was going through a lot of structure changes.) I spend all my time obsessing about how to get to the next stage in my life, chasing dreams and making up excuses for why I'm feeling unhappy. I'm not unhappy because of London, and I'm not unhappy about my job. 

I just got a beautiful flat in London with my boyfriend, and my job is where I always dreamed of doing when I was at uni. I'm just generally a miserable sod, and am always trying to find reasons for my unhappiness to focus my energies on 'fixing', rather than accepting that I'm just a pessimistic person.

My 2016 resolution is to try and enjoy the 'now', appreciate how far I've come, and stop thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side. Because I've tried most of the sides now and tbh, they all have their shit parts. I don't regret any of my choices, I found out my old job has been making digs about me since I left and I know that London is the best place for me to be right now, regardless of being cheated out of rent money by the market. 

I made some really great choices in 2015, and I learnt from the bad ones. I'm going into 2016 feeling, admittedly not great, but at least in the knowledge that I probably am where I'm supposed to be and I can't beat myself up all the time for not reaching my ridiculously high expectations, or comparing myself to others.

What are you feeling going into 2016? Let me know in the comments.

And as for a blogging update: Until I've settled in our new blog-friendly flat at the end of Feb, posts will be a bit sporadic, as and when I can get something shot. Apologies, bear with me, and rest assured from March there will be lots of great new content. Thanks my lovely followers!
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1 comment on "A 2016 Resolution Realisation - I Am Miserable"
  1. This was a really interesting post and made me realise I'm kind of like that too. I'm always fixating on the next thing that I'm convinced will massively improve my life then when it comes, I don't feel any different. Well done for noticing the pattern and it's great to see that you're actively dealing with it in a positive way!
    Shannon x

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