So a few weeks ago I did an initial review of my 12-week fitness plan which I'm doing with PT Leanne Conroy. I was in the first month of the plan, feeling pumped, motivated and energised. But now I'm in the second third of the plan and feeling much lower, and thought it was just as important to blog now as it was when I was feeling great because you can't always feel great and it's important for other girls to read this and know it's normal to feel like this.
Since my last blog post my plan has changed up slightly. I'm getting a new gym plan next week to mix it up a bit and we also added cardio into my workouts last week. (I was pretty repulsed at how unfit I was, but we're going to build up my stamina week by week!)
I'm stronger - much stronger. I carry a little notebook around the gym like a dweeb so I can try to beat my weights from the week before, which is a great little motivator. So how come I'm feeling low? I found an old phone from two years ago and saw these photos in it.
I was so tiny, but rather than motivating me to keep going I felt so shit about myself! Why can't I still look like that? It seems so far from reach! I am ten pounds heavier than I was back then, which doesn't sound much but all my weight sits in my love handles. That's an extra 5 pounds of love handle on each side. It ain't pretty, and I feel disgusting when I look in the mirror and see how much I've let myself go. Everyone goes, 'oh, but you're so tiny!' I'm not. I dress to hide it, which luckily for me is very easy. High waist jeans, skater skirts and dresses, baggy jumpers - all things that easily conceal my hips or smooth them out.
I messaged Leanne the photos, and she responded like a combination of a professional personal trainer, a motivational friend and a therapist. She pointed out, bluntly but necessarily, that I'm far away from that body shape. But she also pointed out how far I'd come in six weeks and that every gym session I'm one step closer to getting that body back. If I quit or lost motivation I'd just be one step further away again. This was 100% what I needed to hear, and I carried on going to all my sessions. I may be far away from that body, but it's taken me two years to put on those 10lbs and I'm sure as hell not letting it take 2 years to work it off again.
She also pointed out that yes, we could shed that weight much quicker but I would hate it, be hungry, hangry and have to undergo huge lifestyle changes. The plan I have now means it's a slow burner, but I'm happy and healthy and can still go out at the weekend for drinks and burgers. (My two favourite things.)
So overall, mentally I feel a bit tired and crap about myself at the moment. I miss my old body and I hate that I've let myself go and gotten so comfortable. I'm embarassed. But you know what? I'm kicking ass and going to the gym every morning before work, I'm enjoying my weekends and I'm eventually going to look even better than I did when those photos were taken.
I've already made great progress and lost weight around my middle and back since I started this plan, and what Leanne reminded me was that even though it feels like I've been doing this plan forever, (the PTs at my gym all know me now as a regular...) it's only been a month and a half. This will take much longer, and I have to be okay with that, because there aren't any quick fixes. But I'll be damned if I'm going to sit on the sofa and mope about it rather than kicking ass at the gym every morning.
I may only have Leanne's guidance for another 6 weeks but my fitness journey won't end there, and luckily I'll have her advice, knowledge and wisdom to take with me.