Saturday, 18 November 2017

Welcome to my breakdown


I read an article yesterday that said 26 is the age where people have quarter life crisis. Mine appears to have arrived early.

It is 5.20am. I have been wide awake since 4am. Every time I shut my eyes I start to panic, and my head starts spinning and I can't explain what I can hear but it's like my head is too loud for me to sleep. I've tried counting sheep but they're all dumb AF and keep knocking into the fence. (I can't even count sheep right.) To say I'm stressed right now would be an understatement. My stress level is somewhere between the mum in Parent Trap after finding out she has to meet Nick Parker and Winona Ryder in every scene of Stranger Things. So after an hour of internal screaming I decided to write, because it is the only thing that calms me down.

I hate running. I hate running for the bus. I hate running for sport. I hate treadmills. I literally hate everything about it. My best friend is a long-distance runner and tells me that there's a wall you hit and once you run past it you reach this euphoric state and can just keep going for ages. I've never reached that state, I just hit the wall and want to die and feel stressed about how much I am sweating. (A lot, FYI.)  

I'm more of an emotional runner. When I start to stress, or panic, or hit an all-time low I remove myself from situations. It could be putting headphones in, or it could be moving a hundred miles away to Scotland, or as of twenty minutes ago it could be deleting my social media in an attempt to shut everything out because it's 5 in the morning and everything is too loud for me to cope with.

So you guys will have to come here to see what I'm up to for a little while because right now I need to dull all the noise in my head and just focus on myself and what I want and where I want to be, because it isn't where I am right now. I'm hoping this is my wall, and that I'm going to come out on the other side in a euphoric state where I suddenly realise what the right thing for me to do is.

Stay tuned - I am approximately one week away from shaving my head and booking myself into rehab . Blogging Breakdowns since 2012. To be continued.

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