Wednesday, 17 January 2018

If I Ran The Country

I recently purchased Matt Bellassai's book (which, btw, I recommend to anyone because he is a comedic and literary genius and the book is currently my most prized possession, despite the fact the chapter about slicing his foot open made me dry heave), and within it there's a chapter on laws he would pass if he became President. Which got me thinking, what laws would I instigate if I were Prime Minister? Well, now we know.
1. Legal Requirement for every office to have dogs. Anyone allergic can enlist for benefits following an allergy test.
2. Anyone charged with animal cruelty is punished to have whatever they did to the animal done to them. We can't have them in our prisons mingling with lesser criminals, like murderers.
3. Nigel Farage has to wear an inflatable penis suit as if he is on a stag do, for every single day of his living life.
4. Four day working weeks.
5. Anyone found guilty of benefit fraud has to work 7-day weeks for the same length of time as they were committing the fraud for.
6. Chace Crawford is my deputy PM and must accompany me everywhere.
7. My blog will be distributed in paper format to every house in the country on a weekly basis.
8. No breakfast to be served without a hashbrown.
9. Salad and soup are to be considered side-plates and never a main course, because that's where they belong.
10. Anyone who does not move up the tube carriage is to be shackled at the gates and publically shamed.
11. Slow and fast pavement sides to be implemented in all cities.
12. Free Wifi everywhere.
13. Jobs nobody wants to do like garbage disposal should offer amazing benefits, like free holidays abroad.
14. Illegal to post photographs of bare pregnant bellies online, because tbh, they freak me out.
15. Anybody who says, 'tattoos are forever you know', or 'aren't you worried what they will look like when you're old?' must immediately get a tattoo.
16. Under no circumstances, ever, may any member of a charity or religious organisation knock uninvited on someone's door at the weekends.
17. Anyone who personally wrongs me (I have at least 5 of you in mind) is to be fed to wild boars whilst the song 'Rich Girl' by Gwen Stefani plays on loop in the background.
18. Someone (preferably Tom Hardy) must follow me around with salted cheesy chips on hand in case I get peckish.
19. Everyone must recycle, because whales.
20. Dogs are to be allowed in all pubs, and children under 15 banned.
21. Internships that are unpaid to last no longer than one month.
22. Ads for writers which offer 'no pay but great experience' to be sent to the dark side of the web and out of human sight. Unless it's Vogue.
23. Free coffee in all workplaces.
24. Any baby which cries for longer than 1 minute (30 seconds if it's screaming) in a confined public place (i.e. a bus, a wedding ceremony, a store queue) to be immediately removed using whatever means necessary.
25. My dog Draco's birthday is to be honoured and respected every year with a national holiday.

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