Friday, 2 February 2018

How to not be an Ass in rush-hour

If there's one thing I hate, it's selfishness. To clarify, I define selfish behavior as doing something to benefit yourself without any consideration or care for how it may affect other people. I see a lot of selfish-ass behavior on the tube during rush-hour, and I wanted to make a guide for anyone who may not realise they're behaving like an utter bellend.

So, without further adieu, how to not be an asshole on the tube in rush hour.

1. Take your bag off your crusty-ass back.
Once removed, hold it at knee level. If you use your brain for two seconds you would acknowledge that legs are generally skinnier than the human torso, ergo there is more free space down there for your bang to hang freely without taking up space another person could take.

2. Don't put your fucking bag on the floor.
If you do, it's taking up feet space and means people have to play tetris to avoid stumbling on your bag, which they 99% likely will not see anyway because it's too packed to see the floor. Also, arseholes like me will make a point of purposefully stamping on your bag to passive aggressively teach you a lesson, and mumble 'sorry I didn't see it', even though I knew it was there and was just pissed off I had to stand like a pelican so you could rest your fingers for three stops.

3. Get off the carriage if you're anywhere near the door.
If you are standing right by/in front of the door, step off the damn carriage to let everyone who needs to get off, off. I assure you, you will be the first person let back on the carriage when everyone is safely off, but you are holding everyone up making them manouver around you like a fucking herpes carrier because you're too stubborn to get off for two seconds.

4. Stop reading your book.
If it's so packed that someone has to have their face in an armpit, lower your arms and put the sodding book down, because it's taking up everyone's space and t always ends up that there's 4 people so crammed they cannot move or breathe whilst three people around them leisurely extend their arms out to hold their crappy romance novel without a care.

5. Don't eat smelly food.
Also, wear deodorant and brush your teeth. I have been stuck underneath the cavernous hole of someone's armpit which smelt like old fart before, and it all could have been avoided had he heard of Nivea.

6. Move up the carriage.
 Headphones aren't an excuse. I understand where the angry guy in a suit screaming 'move down!' is coming from when there's 30 people packed like sardines by the door whilst there are four people doing yoga along the isle because they can't be bothered (and pretend not to notice) the need for space from everyone else. How people can stand there and pretend to be oblivious to the discomfort of people five steps from them which they could aid is beyond me.

Just to run through this all again real quick in case anyone CBA reading the entire post:
Take the fucking backpack off, hold it - don't put it on the floor. Step off to let other people off, don't read books, eat stinky shit, spread out at leisure in the isles and make sure all your orifices and sweat glands are minty fresh.



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