Wednesday, 28 March 2018

Positive Progression

So I haven't posted in a while, but I've been busy. And not lying-in-bed-hating-my-life-and-not-washing-my-hair busy. Actual got-my-shit-together busy. 

Steven and I went to Bordeaux. We cycled a lot, drank a LOT of wine, and ate a lot of cheese. It was so nice to get away the two of us again and have a romantic break away. (It was my birthday present for him.) While we were away, I got a pretty great phone call that I really hadn't expected.

I got a job. Not just any job, the perfect job at the perfect company. So a while back I had said I found a great job, but once I started it just wasn't for me and I knew straight away, so called it a day during my probation period. I wasn't really invested in the brand, the commute was nearly 2 hours each way, working from home was making my depression and lack of motivation worse, and it just didn't feel very me.

So I went back to freelancing at Matches while I continued the search. Anyway, long story short, I'm back to doing what I love (writing, obvs) for a fashion brand that I have been obsessed with since I was a teenager. I just finished my second week and the people are so friendly and welcoming and mature. I feel really lucky.

That said, I'm struggling to socialize properly and relax at work. The mess from my last role has had a lasting impact and I'm scared to connect or trust people, but it will slowly get better. I actually wrote a really long blog post explaining everything from my last job properly and naming and shaming, and it's sat in my drafts because even though I want my side of the story to be heard I'm not sure publishing it will really achieve anything good.

I'm still going to therapy once a week, and am learning a lot about myself. Here's what I've learnt so far:
1. I care so much about what everyone else thinks of me, even strangers, and this is what is driving my anxiety.
2. I don't feel any emotions, at all, ever. Because of some stuff from my childhood I have basically taught myself to block everything out as a defense mechanism, and this has been happening for so many years that I actually don't know how to recognize or feel emotions anymore.
3. The way that I drop friendships and associate everyone in one big lump with certain events in my life is also a defensive thing to stop myself from being hurt again. 

These are the three most important things, and I'm going back every week and logging things in a journal in an attempt to feel some emotions. It's baby steps but I'm feeling good about it.

As well as starting my new job I joined the gym again and have been going every day on my lunch break, which is making me feel a lot better and giving me more energy.

I've also really started to invest time into my novel, and am trying to write 1,000 words per day to get the first draft finished. It's something I'm really excited about, and my BFF Orianne is really motivating me with it and keeping me going. 

Lastly, there are still office dogs, and we all know that dogs make me smile more than anything. All in all, I'm doing really well and it finally feels like things are back on track. It only took 5 months...


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